The Watto Almanac

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It’s fun to make fun of beleaguered all-rounder Shane Watson. Here’s a collection:

WATTO’S REDEMPTION

While watching Australia’s Edgbaston capitulation from the dressing room, dumped all-rounder  Shane Watson had one thing on his mind.

I told you so.

An anonymous Australian squad member said that, ‘Watto wouldn’t shut up. He kept on saying “serves them right from dropping me” over and over again.’

When Peter Nevill was bowled shouldering arms to James Anderson, Watto reportedly said, ‘I at least would’ve got my pad in the way. You can’t get bowled if it hits your pads. Then I would have reviewed it.’

Watto apparently took great pleasure in Mitch Marsh’s duck.

‘Watto laughed for five minutes. I think he even wet himself a bit. He then went to the nets to prepare for “my inevitable return for the fourth Test.”‘

While waiting for his Test return,  Watto has been writing his new book ‘Watto’s Guide to Responsible DRS Use.”

‘It’s actually not too bad. The crayons can get a bit messy in the dressing room, but there’s potential.’

FACEBOOK MOURNS WATSON AXING

For some, Shane Watson’s axing from the Test team was inevitable and a chance for Mitch Marsh to cement his place.

For others, it’s a lost opportunity…for comedy.

Accountant Paul Venn is the hard-working admin of the “Shane Watson is a Joke” Facebook page.

‘It’s a sad day for Australian sport. No-one else has Watson’s skill of consistently wasting starts, getting out LBW and having a knack for terrible DRS referrals. It’s a comedy goldmine. I’d make fun of (Nathan) Lyon looking like an old man but I don’t have the heart. He’s too good a bowler.’

Venn has since deleted the page and has vowed not to watch the rest of the Ashes in protest.

‘When Watto got out LBW twice I laughed and laughed, then started making hillarious memes. If you can’t make fun of hopeless jokes, then what’s the point of watching sport?’

WATTO’S UNDERRATED INNINGS

When Australia piled on 8/507 declared in their tour match against Kent, the plaudits went to Shaun Marsh (114), Steve Smith (111 retired), Chris Rogers (84) and captain Michael Clarke (56).

One innings cruelly overlooked was Shane Watson’s 21. Scored off 48 balls (at a sizzling strike rate of 43.75), Watson struck three boundaries and no sixes. Watson’s impressive score was only topped by Brad Haddin (35), Mitch Johnson (32*) and Mitchell Marsh (30).

Watson was happy with his underrated innings. ‘Shane Watson played well. As usual Shane Watson scored just enough runs to maintain his average, but not enough to actually be useful.’

Asked if his mediocre score fuelled debate that he should be dropped, Watson said. ‘Shane Watson’s an untouchable fixture in the Australian team and has nothing to prove. Shane Watson will let his four whole centuries do the talking.’

When quizzed on his annoying habit of answering in the third person, Watson said, ‘Shane Watson’s agent said Shane Watson talking like this would make Shane Watson more relatable to the public, even though Shane Watson is better than everyone anyway.’

An anonymous source within the Australian team was full of praise for Watto after his innings. ‘Mate, Watto plays an important role in the team. His consistent underachievement takes the pressure off the rest of us.’

Another anonymous teammate added, ‘If Watto keeps his form up, England will believe they’re a chance to win the Ashes. Then we’ll unleash Mitchy. The Poms won’t know what hit ’em!’

WATTO’S NEW ROLE

Australian all-rounder Shane Watson is set to make his film debut. In a role written especially for him, Watson will star in the gritty legal drama Not Without my DRS. 

Watson plays an international cricketer who is devastated when the evil World Cricket Corporation of Control bans the DRS from all international competition. Terrified his right to irresponsibly review an obvious LBW decision will be taken away, a determined Watson fights a corrupt legal system to have his precious DRS reinstated.

Watson is excited in his transition to the sliver screen.

‘I think this is a really great role for me. It’s a serious, earnest drama about the very real concerns when something you love and rely on is cruelly taken away.’

A source within the Australian team – who wishes to remain anonymous – says he hopes Watson’s acting career flourishes.

‘Watto’s a natural actor. He’s been acting like a big baby throughout his career with all his ‘injuries’, so this seachange will suit him.’

A FAIR GO FOR WATTO

Australian all-rounder Shane Watson has threatened retirement if the Aussie public doesn’t stop teasing him.

‘I’ve seen the memes, they’ve very hurtful!’

Pulling out Wisden, Watson pleaded his case to be taken seriously. ‘Look, I’ve made four whole centuries in nearly sixty Tests…and I’ve taken 75 wickets. That’s pretty good I reckon.’

When asked if his petulant attitude or abuse of the DRS was a catalyst for the hate, Watson said, ‘I’m not petulant! I take my cricket seriously. It’s not meant to be fun! As for the DRS, that’s what it’s there for. It’s not my fault the umpires are too blind to realise I’m never out!’

Watson complained of a double standard with Aussie fans. ‘I don’t see anyone making nasty memes about Clarkey, Mitch, Davey Warner or Steve Smith. What about Nathan Lyon? He looks like f%$#@&* pipe cleaner! Why do I get all the hate?’

In brighter news for Watson, he’s been offered a spot on the Channel Nine commentary team upon retirement.

‘We look forward to having Watto on our team’, said an anonymous Wide World of Sports spokesman. ‘All our commentators gibber on about how good they used to be. He’ll fit right in.’

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